indiana-kingsley-00003 – The only reason I am still here is because of my friends by Indiana – October 2023 Wiingy Scholarship Essay

For anyone with the goal of college right after high school, the beginning of senior year is the time of college applications, scholarship applications, and building a resume so great any college would be lucky to have you. I needed the perfect college application so I did everything to be the perfect applicant. But during those months, I struggled to receive gender affirming care with my parents fighting me every step of the way; my grandmother, the only family member that fully accepted me, passed away; my father started frequently abandoning my family, leaving me to financially support people that told me I was a mistake. Every new obstacle was a new boulder being added to my chest, the pressure leaving me unable to breathe and unable to think in a time I needed to most. In a desperate attempt to cope and gain any bit of control I could possibly grasp, I retained a habit that almost cost me my future and my life.

At first it started with skipping a few meals, which was horrifyingly easy to do. When I wasn’t at school, I was attending countless extracurriculars to enhance my application. When I was at school, I was doing homework, or studying, or I was practicing one of my instruments during my lunch break. I was rapidly losing weight, and I wasn’t trying to until I was repeatedly complimented on my new physique. My dance teacher was proud I was “getting in shape” and offered me a solo. I was told I was passing better, and started naturally looking like a man instead of a woman pretending to be a man, after losing my curves. I always put in so much effort in everything I do, never receiving any credit or any praise, that I thrived on how I was now treated. My eating habits became clinical. I could only eat every other day, but I had to stay under 500 calories. I weighed myself every day when I woke up and before I went to bed, delighting at the steadily decreasing numbers. No one tells you that when your body is starving, it goes into a state of survival where everything you eat is conserved causing you to gain weight for everything that goes into your body. As the numbers started going up again, I sobbed. And I was determined to get those numbers down again.
The only reason I am still here is because of my friends. They saw me fainting, freezing, and not able to stay awake for more than 6 hours at a time. I was told repeatedly I could tell them anything and they wanted to help, but I refused. I was ashamed. And then I found myself in Subway’s employee’s bathroom, forcing myself to throw up the cookie I just ate. I drove to my best friend’s house when my shift finished and cried in her arms.

I agreed to get help. I talked to people online about my experiences, stopped calorie counting, and assigned people to check in on what I ate, starting with small amounts and working up to multiple meals a day overtime. I learned balance, cutting some responsibilities and scheduling time to relax. I was terrified it would cost me the college education I had dreamed about, but I was more scared of how I was a slave to my disorder. There are still times that I stop eating when I get stressed, but I learned how to recognize it and I know how to help myself.